Being D's Mom Part 1

It's two days until his graduation.

In the middle of class, I receive an email from one of his teachers.

It read...

On Tuesday, May 28, 2019, _________________ > wrote:

Good Morning,

I would like to inform you that D______ DID NOT bring the food items necessary for his cooking final. This will affect his FINAL grade as there is NO EXCUSE as it impacts his team/classmates as well. This is a team activity however; everyone including D _____ had sufficient time to PLAN. Everyone in his team brought their own supplies. This morning, in the middle of the FINALS He was asking me if I had all these ingredients at hand, when he should be responsible for bringing items. This is DESCRIBED in the HANDOUT that was given to all students. When I asked what was his reason, he said he went to 2 movies and forgot. I told him to think about priorities and I told him this is unacceptable. thanks for your time.

As a parent, my initial response was "Oh no! I can't believe he did that." And quickly responded...

Sent: Tue, May 28, 2019 9:23 am

Subject: Re: Issue with COOKING FINAL

I’m so sorry. He did not tell me anything. I totally understand and apologize for his actions. I asked about homework and he said nothing. He will have to accept the consequences.

As the day went on, I thought about the email.

I thought about it during our staff PD.

I thought about it during the evening, 

as I sat at the district office,

as a parent rep for his school.

Why the hell did I apologize?

Was it really my fault?

He is 18.

He is a senior.

He has an IEP.

I was offended and pissed,

that she rushed to email me about how upset she was?

I needed vent.

I posted.

I learned that to use all CAPS meant shouting. 

(Thanks Dulce for schooling me).

I learned from D that his team didn't get upset with him.

I just couldn't let this go.

After talking it out with two friends,

I decided I had to respond.

So I did.

At 11:00pm... on a school night.

I was not looking for an apology.

I wasn't looking to make an excuse.

I wasn't looking for sympathy.

I was looking for understanding.

I wanted her to know who her student was.

I wanted her to think before emailing a parent in CAPS next time.

Good Evening Ms. _______,

Thank you for informing me of what happened in D_____’s final today.  I am a classroom teacher too. After having some time to reflect and reread the email you sent this morning, I wanted to address a few of your concerns. 

I understand your frustration at his lack of responsibility and forgetfulness. It DID NOT surprise me that he forgot his items for his finals. It is one of the everyday struggles I deal with at home as well. As an educator, I understand fully that not having his items will affect his FINAL grade and your NO EXCUSE policy. My concern was for the how it would impact his classmates, as it isn’t their fault that D______ lacks these skills. 

I can imagine how upsetting it is to have a student ask for items he is responsible for, especially during a final, but please know that D_____ didn’t mean to upset you or his classmates. I spoke to him about his responsibilities to the class and the group. Although he says he understands, I don’t think he really does because it continues to happen quite frequently. We are in therapy and seeking resources in the community to help him address his intellectual and social disabilities. It’s a long process.

I won’t make excuses. It is who he is. I am learning to accept him as well. He says it’s not easy to be him, and I don’t think it is. Him going to the movies on a long weekend was not his fault. It was my idea to see the movies. I didn’t know he had items he had to get for class, or I would have made sure he got them. I ask him every day, even though it’s HIS RESPONSIBILITY. The only thing he remembered was he had to be in a park for band. He didn’t know the park or the time, luckily, I had the band booster’s phone number. 

I have no doubt your HANDOUT DESCRIBED everything needed and required for the final. Just organizing and finding handouts is a constant challenge in our lives. He didn’t mean to disrespect you or the class. He truly is just trying to get by each day the best way he knows how. I know it’s the end of the year, but if you have any other concerns you want speak to me about, I’d be happy to meet with you after school. 

Thank you for your time.

She never responded.

I did ask D how the following day went.

He said she was nice to him.

Gave him some chores for extra credit he said.

When his final grades came out, he got a B.

It wasn’t what I wanted.

I didn’t want her to bend the rules.

I didn’t want her to give him a grade he clearly did not deserve.

I just wanted her to know who he was.

I wanted her to know that I was okay with who he was.

Sometimes the grade is that LAST thing that really matters.